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The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
They grow up so quick
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*