I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
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I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
My patience has stretch marks.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Welcome to the stomach