There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
You Might Also Like
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.