Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
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Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
lumberjacks will cut a birch
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.