WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
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How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
this is the news I live for
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!