7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
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Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Otters see a butterfly.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
sigh
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”