therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
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As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up