My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
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TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.