Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
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St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
ready to be harvested
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th