The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
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Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.