Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
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“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did