My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
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*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Breaking news:
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Ok, but like, how married are you?
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.