If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
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if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Death certificates are our last participation award.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Lmfao
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!