The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
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[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.