“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
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hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach