People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
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A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
When you kidnap a writer.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*