You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
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Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
stand with me against insufficient seating
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
groan^2