ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
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Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
get you a girl who
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Alexa: *deep breath*
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
I have so many questions.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.