i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
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STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.