The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
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every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
yes, those are my real potatoes.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Catering service
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
That 👊
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed