wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
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HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.