You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
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Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.