My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
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[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
🤣✨#caturday
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever