Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
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I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.