People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
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EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Me when my alarm goes off
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?