Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
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I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Mad Max Arctic Road
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Previously On Persistence 😎
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”