The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
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My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
❤️🦆
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts