sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
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Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Does it…does it take 3 days
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.