Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
You Might Also Like
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Meow?
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Anyone want a chair?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.