*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
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“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
j o i m p
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Help Wanted