Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
You Might Also Like
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
#Caturday
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Doctors texting each other.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.