Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
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I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?