ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
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It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
hi why am I like this
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.