went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
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My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]