Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
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Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.