ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
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[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges