*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
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I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh