everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
You Might Also Like
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live