[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
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Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
This week’s mood.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey