Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
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What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
She was REALLY feeling it.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.