“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
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Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.