I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
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this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again