“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
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I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
I only treason on days ending in y
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web