I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
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*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Pretty much. 🤣
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin