The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
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Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.