Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
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I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
They grow up so quick
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.