Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
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ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in