I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
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Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
I’ve been learning to cook.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
my first day as a raccoon
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.