Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
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Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park