We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
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I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.